You must fancy my long hair, and the sight of me in knee socks. Be more than appreciative of my childish love. Ruffle my hair a lot, pin me down a lot, fuss and fight and and cheer me up a lot, cheer me on a lot. Scold me a lot, pick me up and carry me around a lot. You must anticipate my art. You must read my writing and wonder what I am thinking. You must look at my drawings and wish you knew what was going on. You must listen to my music wondering where I have been your whole life. You must live everyday captivated by me, reluctantly captured by me. You must know, that I am always a mess. I will constantly look after people, and be offended if you try to take care of me, but you must know that even if i don’t ask for it, I probably most need it. If I seem unusually coordinated, you must realize that something is wrong. You must find me beautiful when I am disappointed, particularly in you. You must enjoy my silence, my company. You must wish that I never change and worry that I grow up too fast. You must wish to go away with me, grow away with me, grow old with me. 

“I wish I could have met you before I left.” Well, I wish there were people sweet as you. We’ll get to meet each other one day, I promise. 

If at one point in your life you realize we might never speak to each other again, just know that I am forever changed by who you are and what you meant to me.

“and that tiny speck of light to the left is the moon.”

It’s been a really weird week. I don’t know if it’s ever happened to you but everything that has happened in the past year was undone in the last 7 days. I’ve realized too much without actually thinking too much about anything. How can I describe this to you? I think I must’ve said “I’m so stress free right now. I have exactly zero problems with my life.” at least five times and things just do not feel right! It’s like nothing has ever gone my way until now, everything’s about to go perfectly as planned for the first time and what is this? I’m actually not used to it? I think I’m known for my ability to adapt, and it’s true, nothing’s really phased me. But now that things are so easy, so perfect, I’m very worried about myself. I’m desperately searching for a question to answer so I can continue that path of a problem child. 

The three of us sat on a kiddie bench in the middle of the beach yesterday, and it was pitch dark where the water was and behind us was the Wonder Wheel, fully lit. It didn’t feel strange to be with the same people I was once very close with again. It’s very hard to understand. You know things have really changed when you tell your once best friend a very significant story and she only pretends to understand it and questions your authenticity. Alas, she still does not get it. 

“I feel like you hide behind a mask. You don’t trust anyone. And you keep a lot of secrets. You’re just pretending. You can’t fool me. Stop it now.”

Well none of that really bothered me because I know it takes a smart person to really be able to read someone like that. But if it’s relevant at all, I am not wearing a mask. I simply hide behind whatever this Charlie An character is perceived to be. I don’t mean it, I have no purpose in hiding. But think of it this way, you wouldn’t walk out in the streets naked just as I wouldn’t walk around with signs poking out of my head for you to observe every brain movement. 

But just FYI — the reason I don’t trust people is not because I’m heartless, or paranoid, stupid, fake, or whatever you people are saying about about me now. I just don’t think there is a need to. The secret is to not give a fuck. Trust? Just what is that? Pff corny.

Someone’s said this to me once, that love is very baseless and nonsecure, it’ll just come and go without a warning unlike business where everything is documented and signed for legal purposes, thus making it impossible to end a relationship with a certain business corporation without a warning or having to pay them a large amount of money. There is no compensation for love or any kind of relationship at all. He’s very right, and it’s become my view on friendship in general. I’ve done so many unfair trades in the past that I’ve come to question if I am actually the stupid one who doesn’t know how to stop being kind instead of this asshole not knowing how to appreciate and simply be considerate.

I am as honest as I can be. I do believe people overestimate me in certain ways. I don’t really put so much effort in doing something as pointless as hiding or trying to fix things and make things look perfect. Just let me be mysterious. Fuck. No one needs to try this hard to be anything.